She's All Over The Place..

Okay I chose the title party because i'm listening to Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Home" right now, and partly because it pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I'm all over the place. Dealing with the feelings of hunger, guilt, frustration, anger and self-hatred from ana are hard. Lashing out at everyone I love because of them are harder.

I feel like i've fallen out with the world today. I've fallen out with my parents over food, coming back home late, arguing etc. I've fallen out with a best freind, lets call her Lucy, over nothing. I had had to blame it on exam stress. I had an argument with another friend, lets call him Connor, over my smoking. He thinks it's stupid, and I agree to a certain extent. I only do it because smoking on an empty stomach makes you lose weight quickly. They can't know the truth. I'll continue hiding behind this mask until i'm thin and happy again.

I feel like I can't cope at times. I'm getting fatter and fatter everytime I look in the mirror. I can't even stand it when people hug me because i'm afraid they'll see the real me. A fat, hideous monster. I want to pysically rip the fat away from my body until I can see my precious ribs again. I purge food because I don't want the vile calories to taint my body, to make it fat. I believe fat is ugly, thin is beautiful.

I've been reading a few Pro-ana blogs and they help to keep me motivated. I read them and they help. Even when I feel sick and dizzy because I haven't eaten in days, i'll read them and I force myself to carry on until someone makes me eat. I want to say thankyou to all the bloggers who have helped me to actually acheive some control over my disgusting body. Even if you never read this, I wan't to say you're all amazing, keep up the good work.

I know some people may think i'm a wannabe pro-anorexic, but the truth is anorexia's not an illness, it's a lifestyle choice, and I choose to live like that. Striving to become thin. Wishing to be free of this self-hatred everytime I see my reflection. I will be thin if it's the last thing I do. I'll become thin, or die trying.

JessiiJinx <3