Don't try to tell me what to do, don't try to tell me what to say..

I have another follower! thankyou for the positive comments off both of you, it seriously means a lot to me :]

The title for this post is from Avril Lavigne's "Don't Tell Me". I feel like my parents are trying to tell me what to do in life.
They have been acting really weird recently. I have to choose a college course to do next September, so i've been looking around different colleges for inspiration. I'm torn between two courses: Animal Care and Modelling&Promotions(I don't actually want to do modelling, but i've always had an interest with the industry in general). My parents want me to do modelling&Promotions which is kinda weird since they think shows such as America's Next Top Model are pointless. I want to do Animal Care cause i've wanted to work with animals from the age of about five. I'm not sure whether to go for what I want to do or what they want me to do :/
I know I should follow my dreams but I want to keep my parents happy too.

I also had my HPV jab today for the second time (there are 3 altogether :/) and man it hurt! Everytime I have a needle I get these weird dizzy spells and nausea, so I was instantly put off eating for the whole day haha..

The guy I was talking about in my last post (lets call him Rich) has told a friend of mine (lets call her Lucy) that he wants to meet me in town soon so we can "talk". Lucy thinks it's great but I have a feeling it's going to be bad news. Lucy and another friend (lets call her Lisa)want to "play Cupid" and get us together but it's not going to work haha. I hate people interfereing with me and guys Lol.

Anyway onto food Lol..

Small bowl cereal - approx 123kcal
Medium apple - 55kcal
Diet coke - 1 kcal
Total - approx 179kcal

I would have probably eaten more to be honest, but the needle put me off anything edible Lol.

JessiiJinx<3

..You got my world spinning.

Okay, so i like this guy. I mean really like. The thing is he's known as a bit of a man whore (haha). I'm not sure how he feels about me though. We flirt a lot, but i think he flirts with anything that moves tbh..
Well, he's got my world spinning..

Food diary for today:
Small bowl cereal - 123 kcal
A couple of M&M's - approx 30kcal
A meduim sized apple - 56kcal
Diet Coke - 1kcal
Total: approx 210kcal

Not bad.

Starting from tomorrow i'm going to have at least one day per week fasting so i can slim down quicker. I'm making a dress in textiles lessons and i need to have it fitted properly soon. I don't want to be a heffer in a dress so i need to lose a few pounds in two weeks.
Also me and a friend, lets call her Charlii, are going to perform a street dance for our Christmas Concert (It's our last one :/) to Timberland's "Give it to me" ft Justin Timberlake and Nelly Futardo, so i want to look skinny for that too. Haha an excuse for buying some street gear. Think Step Up 2 - The Streets for clothes ideas Lol.

Also, i have my first follower! Thankyou for reading my blog, it means a lot having someone to share my thoughts and plans with :)

JessiiJinx<3

..And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all.

Exams are finally over until June/July now. The title is from "These Streets" by Paolo Nutini and sums up how I feel about exam stress Lol.
I haven't wrote for a while because i've been busy "revising" haha it didn't do much help though Lol.
I've had a really bad day for eating. I've eaten so much junk. Here is exactly what i've eaten so far:

Small bowl cereal - 120kcal
Walkers crisps(!) - 126kcal i think
KitKat(!) - 107kcal
Spaghetti Bolognese - approx 400kcal per serving
Birthday cake(!) - approx 300kcal
Total: 946kcal approx.

I haven't been able to purge either today, as i've been busy helping my neighbours do some chores Lol.

Not much more to say right now exept i'm so angry at myself for lettingmy guard down when it comes to watching what I eat. Not anymore. I'm going to keep a much more careful eye on what goes in my stomach from now on.

JessiiJinx<3

She's All Over The Place..

Okay I chose the title party because i'm listening to Avril Lavigne's "Nobody's Home" right now, and partly because it pretty much sums up how I feel right now. I'm all over the place. Dealing with the feelings of hunger, guilt, frustration, anger and self-hatred from ana are hard. Lashing out at everyone I love because of them are harder.

I feel like i've fallen out with the world today. I've fallen out with my parents over food, coming back home late, arguing etc. I've fallen out with a best freind, lets call her Lucy, over nothing. I had had to blame it on exam stress. I had an argument with another friend, lets call him Connor, over my smoking. He thinks it's stupid, and I agree to a certain extent. I only do it because smoking on an empty stomach makes you lose weight quickly. They can't know the truth. I'll continue hiding behind this mask until i'm thin and happy again.

I feel like I can't cope at times. I'm getting fatter and fatter everytime I look in the mirror. I can't even stand it when people hug me because i'm afraid they'll see the real me. A fat, hideous monster. I want to pysically rip the fat away from my body until I can see my precious ribs again. I purge food because I don't want the vile calories to taint my body, to make it fat. I believe fat is ugly, thin is beautiful.

I've been reading a few Pro-ana blogs and they help to keep me motivated. I read them and they help. Even when I feel sick and dizzy because I haven't eaten in days, i'll read them and I force myself to carry on until someone makes me eat. I want to say thankyou to all the bloggers who have helped me to actually acheive some control over my disgusting body. Even if you never read this, I wan't to say you're all amazing, keep up the good work.

I know some people may think i'm a wannabe pro-anorexic, but the truth is anorexia's not an illness, it's a lifestyle choice, and I choose to live like that. Striving to become thin. Wishing to be free of this self-hatred everytime I see my reflection. I will be thin if it's the last thing I do. I'll become thin, or die trying.

JessiiJinx <3